4 years ago I wrote my first blog and this is it. If you compare with the rest… wow what a journey have I traveled. I welcome you to read my first blog post.
Around two years ago, i had a break down, little I knew that it was going to change my life forever. All the way from living a normal life, to live in fear and not know how to start or finish my day. Everyday happened so fast, yet so slow that I lost track of time, money and self awareness. This panic attacks, anxiety issues, insecurities that been taking over my goals, my dreams and everything I hoped have been all destroyed, or at least passed down to a new field where I could care less if they happened or not. Yes, as stated at the head line, First blog post, because I need it!
It’s been two years since I had the thoughts, but I’ve never had the opportunity. Maybe because I’ve been lazy, perhaps I have been just gathering courage and reason to just sit and write what flies thru my mind. I guess I need this, some peace of mind and soul. Who knows? My former psychologist said, that I had the enough mental strength to overcome this anxiety. My former psychiatric believed that she knew the perfect drug combination to get me better. All I can say is that we are all human and make mistakes and I don’t mean that I did something wrong, they did. I remember, all this started with panic attacks at night then a sudden fear that didn’t let me leave the house everyday. But ” A man gotta work” I guess that is what kept me going every day until some point, After I went to the psychologist, things were a bit different between my friends, family and even with my wife. We all thought it was going to be better any time soon. “It’s just a rough patch in life” some said, others didn’t even understand why I was having them ” you are a very laid back person, you take things the easy way always”. I guess that things don’t always go as planned. My perspective of life began to change. I can say in a very drastic way. My faith vanished, my all supportive pro life way of thinking I think it went on reverse. Life changed after I went to bed!!!
Hard to understand, but my life was twisted in matter of months. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t enjoy nothing. My body began to lean on the pills and developed an urge to take them. The psychiatric, don’t know if she was new or not, but saying ” take this prescription whenever things become too bad” to a patience with panic attacks and anxiety breakdowns. I began to take one pill a day and by the end of that month I was taking about 4-6 pills in a whole day just because I wanted to have the anxiety to stop. On a few occasions, I remember being lectured by my wife for the excessive use of pills. I know I was not a child, but I just didn’t want things to continue to escalate. Sadly they did after 3-4 months of going by suffering. Pills only worked for an hour, thirty minutes, sometimes even less! it was so hard to get things done or at least to see if there were things that needed done. I spent my days just locked in the bedroom watching TV series or cartoons, anything that could distract me from thinking that I was having anxiety. It is truth that I developed a strong attach to netflix and hulu plus, it is also truth that even though I said, for a long time, I disliked Japanese anime I grew a strong attachment to some of the known shows. Not only were they entertaining, but very extent. All this only lasted for around 4 months, holidays began to roll in and I didn’t know how to face the reality that I was not the same person that my family is used to see. All those distant cousins, that only know how to talk about making money and sports. I didn’t know if talking about Anime or series was going to be of their interest. The awkward sense of importence swarmed my mind creating anxiety like a cookie factory, a million in minutes. Facing reality while I was being force to hide from it. Creates this distortion in the mind that we lose who we really are.
Losing the mind is something that is no laughing matter, at least to that person who is loosing it. Trying to keep together reality and thoughts were becoming a challenge after five months of struggle, pills and lots of energy bursts; were driving me nuts. I was pushed to the point where my mind was creating its own self, at least that’s how I see it. My wife, I have no complaint of her. An amazing person who has stayed by my side thru this hell hole like mental instability that I have been thru. I had always wondered how, or where does she find the strength to do this. Her answer is always love, that’s what she says at least. A year and six months ago I concluded, “my mind began to plot against my wife”. This is the only way I could explain what is happening inside my mind at that moment. My last visit to the Psychiatric her words were very similar to this one ” If by any chance you think you should go to the hospital there’s a list of hospitals where you should go to restrain you for a while until you calm yourself”. Sounds a bit nice, but it really was not, now while I write I’m like ” did she know what was going on with me and didn’t bother saying anything?” after almost 5 months of pills and technical overdoses, I began to hear things. that was the moment that I thought I was losing my mind. It was if I was having a split personality in my brain. my brain was talking to itself, it was plotting things!. I would say that my wife was a bit of a bother but she needed to do it. her husband was being suicidal and was having problems keeping his thoughts together. It is not easy to live with someone while your brain is trying to hurt the only person that you care about. I decided to go the the mental hospital after having an argument with my wife and having a strong impulse wanting to hurt her. I used all the strength that I had left to restrain my self and shout to have them lock me up.
After checking into the hospital every thing was so weird, the people looked at me with weird thoughts, I felt like I could listen to them even though they were not saying nothing. The doctor apprentice who was interviewing me asked for the pills and all the information regarding my psychiatric. The very first thing he said is the prescription you are taking is the wrong pills. You need…..by my surprise it felt like lighting striked my ears and heart. ” These pills are not the correct ones that you should be taking. their secondary effects are devastating and not recommended”. My heart sank thinking that I’ve been put in a position due to a wrong diagnostic. The thoughts running thru my mind were a million per second, my heart rate was accelerating, my anger was escalating rapidly, but they noticed right on time, they gave me a shot and I went to sleep. I barely woke up when I was already falling sleep again, my brain was the only thing that was able to speak, my tongue was heavy, my lips felt sealed, my hands tied. every time I opened my eyes my vision was blurred the room had the same color all around. every time I opened my eyes I felt different. The moment I was able to fully open my eyes I felt whole. no split personality, no second thoughts. I was in a bed next to an old man who was making noises. He looked around 60 years old. I didn’t pay much attention to him since I had other questions. How long was I sleeping? what time was it? all those questions we hear in the movies after someone wakes up after a long slumber. I go to the nurse counter and there were two young nurses, they look at me with a weird and surprised look. ” You finally woke up (said the youngest one). You were sleep for a whole day, a few seconds, more you would had missed lunch, let me go to the cafeteria and get you something. Go back to your room we will take it there and give you further instructions”. I walked back regretting coming here and thanking my self by doing so, After months of restless nights and countless of anxiety issues I was able to sleep without being disturbed by any thoughts. after the second day my routine was to go with the floor group to the different activities they had. Every day we went out side to take in some “fresh air” after going outside, I remember going up five floors to get to the psychiatric floor of the hospital. This area had a few gym bicycles, some toys laying around the floor and chairs. We had some sort of sports supervisor who spent his time looking at the magazine while we enjoyed the sun or did whatever weird thing that came to our minds. We couldn’t see any thing clearly, there were high metal walls, it reminded me of a bird cage except that it didn’t have a ceiling.
On our way back to the main room where we spent most of our days my brain and I agreed on something and that was to get out of here. Every thing felt so off, I didn’t feel I should be there, one thing was for sure, I didn’t want to take more pills. My room door was right in front of the nurse office so, I spent two days looking at the desk. they saw me and ignored me, I guess that they just thought I was not fully there. I spent my first day without taking pills, my body was sweating not feeling the cool air of the air conditioner. My hands were slightly shaking, I took about two showers a day to prevent them from noticing. I was aware of the process my body was going thru, detoxing and cleaning my body from all the drugs I was taking, up to five to six months of excessive amounts of pills per day was absurd. We were interviewed every day by a different doctor. Everyday the hour was different and for the past 3 days it changed by an hour. A detail I noticed was that everyday there was someone that left the facility. Seeing those who were with me in the birdcage running down the hall with a big smile and while they yelled ” I am free to go home, I am out of here”. I kept looking and gathering the details trying to understand how someone mentally unstable could leave a mental facility with ease. After three days of thought and intense plotting. I entered the nurse office while it was empty, grabbed my file and switched it from the trays, As I suspected, they had two trays, one that said in progress and the other one for leaves. I stormed out form the office before I was seen and began to prepare for my biggest plan to be a success. All I needed to do was pass the interview, how was I going to control my self? I was still shaking slightly and the sweat went down my forehead like a cascade. I showered and prepared my self, it felt like a job interview, it felt like this was the job of my dreams. After I was called to the interview room with the doctor, he looked like he did not wanted be there that day. I needed to use that to my advantage. While he looked at me up and down and taking deep breaths he smiled and asked how I was doing. I couldn’t help but to giggle at the fact that I was being to detailed and just looking at any possibility to exploit and use to my advantage. while he asked different questions I gave detailed and accurate answers to the progress I’ve done in the past for four days. Mostly was based on needed rest and time to think and get my thoughts together. He was impressed by my words used, and the way I explained everything with perfect detail and without hesitation or insecurity.
Going back outside besides the bird cage it felt so different, so refreshing, real fresh air. My sister and my wife picked me up and was wondering why I was out so fast. My entire family wondered how come I was out so fast. The estimated time was supposed to be 2 weeks. My mother called my sister and asked her, but I took the phone and told them that I was feeling a lot better than how I felt when I arrived at the hospital. I explained my pain and the uneasiness I felt there, I promised my self not to go back and will look for other ways so I could cure my anxiety, or at least reduce its power. Ever since I remembered, beginning the search with my wife. The countless hours spent on the computer researching and looking for possible solutions were off the scale. “There must be something out there that can help reduce or cure my anxiety”. Most of the web sites with possible solutions ended or started with meditation, yoga and or self healing energy a.k.a. reiki. what would help ? meditation? in my 28 years of life the word meditation meant nothing. I can’t do it, my mind had always been too active and hyper. I can’t concentrate in silence or with music while my eyes are closed. They said ” Imagine a river” I create the river but I add a ocean instead , then say imagine tree’s but im thinking to myself there isn’t any tree’s around the ocean, so of course I’m all confused. My mind would not allow me to focus on meditating. I ended up having a mental mess, stress and I lost the whole purpose of it. Quite funny if you think about it. Creating your own world sounded like something that only could be done in movies, TV or books. I know they have to come from a mind but what would be the cost of an elaborate story bottled up in a mind? perhaps that could be the reason why I was going mad.
Sitting down to write has been something that for years, more than two, had been in my mind. I had created characters, story lines, castles and climax all in my head. Flashes of adventures lived in my dreams during the day and night. Nightmares became just terrifying ideas with a lot of spikes that just made me exited in happiness. But how? dealing with so much anxiety and getting my life straight has been almost a whole challenge. Some people said that I’m lucky to be alive, others said.. I’m still over coming a rough patch in my life of accepting adulthood. what the actual heck does that mean?! Standing in a spot where you fear for your life and don’t know how to keep forward. You can’t say to no one its easy until you go threw something similar. This journey that I started the moment I left the mental hospital, has been one full understanding and learning, just from my self but of what surrounds me. learning how life could work on different aspects, different mind sets. I am still in search of what has life in store for me, maybe it could be to have random people reading this blog and in some way relate to what I went thru. Anxiety is not a joke, It’s a serious matter where many had not dealt with it properly. The path I am looking for is one of peace and comfort, where I can do my very best to stay in peace with myself and those who surround me. I’d say that anxiety is just a journey, a very rough journey were you become someone totally different, as far as mind set goes. It changes your life to the point where everything is different, like turning red to blue. After you manage to get a hold of your own life, you give your own definitions to things. It takes time but someday you will get to where you want.