Have you ever felt like you dont belong? The feeling that the things youre doing arent enough or not for you? No, i am not selling you anything. Im just telling you that I am in the same position. It takes one to know one, right? Well, I have had a nice crazy ride that just left me in the spot where I am now.
I went from a promising future in business administration to nothing. I mean, how does someone have nothing? I have to live in favors and taking others pocket change just to get my own things. It may sound drastic, but its a reality. You know many people tell me that there is a reason to be the way I am. That I just must look for the inner reason why I am in the position that I am in now. What can I learn? Yet my answer is what IS to learn?! This isn’t easy, this isn’t just some game. Every thing I do is to be better, yet why I am not moving forward? This may seem like a rant blog or a mad man just sharing to the world his thoughts, but what is to learn from this?
Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar, Psychosis with suicidal thoughts and just a dash of rash attitude. What to learn from this? Hey… I think I know a thing or two. You see, I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to live like this any longer. I would love to work again and become productive, I would love to go back to my business career. But there is one small problem on that. I am not the same person I was 7 years ago when this started. My mind set changed, my perspective of life is different, my views, my opinions, even my angers are different. It feels like I am a total different person now. But why? Confronting suicidal thoughts and having several attempts, changes your life, it makes you know how fragile it is and what it takes to end it. Although, of course my attempts failed due to lack of will or just luck.
Right now I am at the prime of my life, 32 years old and full of oportunities, but with lack of energies to do what I need cause im scared of dying or because im too anxious to just go outside. Then after years of fighting, I got locked up in a psyquiatric ward for a week and I had moment to stop. No distractions , no phones, no anything. Just you probably a roommate and the room. There, I was able to organize my thoughts, the meds kicked in and put the voices, the anxiety and the psychosis away, allowing me time to reorganize my head and decide about my life.
You see, what I concluded, during those days, is that I cannot allow to lose my life. That I have a second or third chance at life. But then I started to shift my views of my self. Began to do some basic things that normally I wouldn’t do due to the changes I was having. This basic things consist on taking care of my hygiene, yeah simple eh? You see someone with the issues I have lost the need or urge to “pamper” him or herself regularly. I have this other blog that speaks about this part in depth Getting out of the binds. After completing everything and stabilized yourself, your brain and thoughs whats next?
The answer to that isn’t simple because at least someone like me I got hit hard with many realities. I realized that I couldnt be the teacher I once was, that the love for business administration faded away and now I am a new person. Only thing left for me is to reinvent myself and become someone new. Well new chances can invole new lifestyles. Does it bother me? ALOT because im swimming against the current that I and those around me thought I would be and thought that after I got “better” I would go back to “normal” the detail is that my new “normal” isn’t what I used to be. This is what brings this blog post. How you go against power already bestowed on you and because of the circles of life,you are a new person. I am still in the struggle, I am looking for ideas and the only one I have got to think of is that I need to build or make my self bigger and better than before. Just a tad hard, but its intimidating going against that power. Struggling comparing who I use to be with who I am. I know that I could be as simple as not comparing, yet someone who had it all and now nothing, the mentalities are different, are more flexible now. I had made myself be more vulnerable in some way. I am more passionate and I express my thoughts accordingly. Before I couldnt do this due to always having a wall up. I even admit to be more of a jerk then, now im a lot less.
Swimming against the current, against the power and using your current power to fight against the old. Looking forward becoming a better person. I still have a long way to go, but I am not giving up. I also dont want you to give up. Life is so precious and you just need to understand this life becomes special when you take care of yourself and become one with the society. Fight against the power of who you were with the power of who you are now. Never let anyone undermine your current goal, they are ignorant to your situation and you must keep your chin up. Build your own strength and fight against the power.